In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."

"Listen, folks, I enjoy demonic sexual perversion just as much as the next guy, but this is just too much," said the frustrated Father of Lies. "I'm the god of this world! I appear as an angel of light! It's supposed to be sneaky and subtle! Has Hollywood lost its ability to be subtle? What on earth happened to this town?"

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 Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler's Knob that there was a cache of documents marked "Classified" in his underground home.

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